My long-time dear friend, (let’s call him Paul), has endured several weeks of life-threatening crises. Major surgery three times, continuing infection, return trips to the intensive care unit, and other horrors have entangled him in a seemingly unending round of severe health troubles. Along with his many other friends, I have felt much grief and foreboding at what Paul has had to suffer.

This suffering began weeks before he entered the hospital. While undergoing a series of tests to determine the cause of weight loss, lack of appetite, and undefined pain, he continued to decline alarmingly.

What shocked us friends was the discovery that Paul’s primary care physician had not actually seen him for at least a month. Instead, during this period Paul was seen by his doctor’s physician’s assistant and by the physicians who supervised his tests, but never his main doctor.

It still seems almost incredible that a doctor with overall responsibility would neglect to take an action probably taught on the first day he began medical school, namely: Look At Your Patient and See How He Appears!

Admittedly, Paul’s illness would have been difficult to diagnose under any conditions. But friends who saw him recognized immediately how badly he was hurting. That he was allowed to decline so alarmingly for weeks without intervention still shocks those of us familiar with this history.

In reflecting on the experience, Paul draws this conclusion: “The medical system is geared to do things in a certain way,  – for example giving tests. If you seem to be getting sicker, you have to do something yourself, even if the medical staff says you’re all right.”

From my friend’s experience and his analysis of it, I have taken at least  two lessons to heart.

First, if we can, we must all advocate for our own health care. We cannot risk waiting on initiatives from professionals. To a certain degree, we must push our health care providers to take care of us. Otherwise we run the risk of neglect that can lead to serious harm.

This holds especially true for us elders. Unless we are rich and famous, we can easily find ourselves deprived of top-flight care or, for that matter, adequate care. In all too many situations, if we do not advocate for ourselves, health care professionals will not give us the attention that we need.

There is at least one large problem with this advice, however. Many people cannot find in themselves this kind of zeal for demanding their rights. Especially when they do not feel well, they may be unable to summon up the necessary bravado. That was my friend Paul’s situation.

My second lesson, therefore, follows. If we can do so, we should find someone to act as our advocate.  It can make a decisive difference for seriously ill people to have a relative or friend  to help push for  needed medical attention.

In Paul’s crisis, several of his long-time friends got together and came to the consensus that he should be hospitalized immediately. We then asked one of our number, a physician himself, to take the initiative and press for Paul to be admitted.

That, in fact, happened and none too soon. It was quickly determined that Paul needed immediate surgery. Further delay might have led to his death.

After his admission to the hospital, though he then got excellent care, Paul continued to need someone to advocate for his needs. Fortunately, at that point he received constant support from one of his brothers who traveled from another state and remained with Paul every day for weeks. Not only did this brother help to sustain Paul’s morale during this ordeal, but he also proved an important advocate with the medical staff.

This saga of my friend Paul dramatizes the need for family members and friends to take initiative on behalf of others. Many do, in fact, but more of us either fail to recognize the need to take action or let obstacles deter us.

It can be touchy to come forward when we judge a friend or family member is ail-ing. We may run the risk of indignant rejection. Persistence may be required if we are seriously committed to helping.  And much tact may be a needed to prove ourselves advocates worthy of the sick person’s trust.

I still think, however, that friends and family can be indispensable when one is hurting. I take satisfaction from knowing that my friend Paul found such people in time of crisis who may have saved his life. Everyone ought to have family and friends like this.

To become good healers, physicians depend upon our sharing with them our feelings about ourselves and our own appraisal of what’s wrong. In many instances they also need to hear from family members and friends who know the patient well.

Far from resenting such advocacy as interference, wise physicians will know how to respond to the benefit of the person who is sick and needs healing.

Richard Griffin