When it became evident that his wife, Virginia, had Alzheimer’s disease, Elbert Cole responded by proposing a pact. “Let’s split things up,” he said. “What do you think about making your task to enjoy life, mine to manage life?”
That was back at the beginning of a seventeen-year-long siege that ended with Virginia’s death in 1993. During almost all that time she went with her husband on his daily ministerial rounds and accompanied him on his professional travel. When he gave lectures or workshops, she would sit next to him or in the front row.
Thus Elbert was able to continue his work as minister in a large Kansas City Methodist church and Virginia could enjoy the company of other people and feel stimulated from these associations.
Elbert also initiated a pact with his adult children. His daughter, who lived in California, agreed to serve as consultant for her mother’s dressing, grooming, and hygiene. A son, based in Illinois, for his part pledged to keep up with the latest research into the disease and treatments.
From the beginning Rev. Cole, long active in the field of aging, was aware of the institutional options for people with Alzheimer’s. And he does not think badly of those who send family members to nursing homes. But he thought it possible in his circumstances to create a better environment for his beloved wife.
She herself, on first discovering the truth about her condition, briefly considered suicide. But in talking with her husband she realized that this route would not accord with the values they had always believed in.
As time went on and Virginia’s ability to do basic tasks for herself lessened, Elbert learned how to take care of dressing, bathing, toileting, and her other needs. Every night, he would put her in bed, alternate saying the “Our Father” and “The Lord is My Shepherd” psalm, kiss her good night as she fell asleep. By establishing a gentle routine, he was able to allay the anxiety she often felt and to keep her peaceful.
Theirs was a marriage that began in 1939, before Elbert left for service as a Navy chaplain in the South Pacific during World War II. As they grew older together, the original bond grew stronger, preparing them for the difficult times ahead. That they carried it off so well together stirs my admiration. Whenever I see my friend Elbert, I feel inspiration at the creative and courageous role he played in his wife’s last years.
Elbert has written several articles sharing his experience with readers across the country. He shows himself modest about what he did. “No big deal” is his way of characterizing it. But anyone who has tasted the experience knows better.
From it all, Elbert has listed the needs of people with Alzheimer’s, while pointing out that all people have these same needs:
“To know that they are loved. To feel good about themselves. To be respected. To have the approval of others who are important to them. To be stimulated in body, mind, and spirit. To feel secure. To be included, not alienated and maginalized. To celebrate the joy of life. To be needed.”
Spiritual motivation exercised a strong influence in Elbert’s actions and, I suspect, in Virginia’s as well. Their life together had always been oriented to the service of those in their religious communities and beyond. When the time of crisis came, they were enabled to draw upon this experience and turn it to good use.
In recent weeks, reports have emerged about promising new research into ways of blocking Alzheimer’s disease. Experimenting with mice, scientists have found how to stop amyloid plaques from forming in the brains of these animals. And through tests with human subjects they have discovered that no harmful side effects resulted from the vaccines used.
The next step will be to see if the vaccine will stop plaques in the human brain. If so, one can envision a possible breakthrough happening in a few years. What a benefit for the human family that would be!
In the meantime, reliable medications are already available to treat some behaviors and conditions of those who have the disease. And new methods of care have been developed that can help those who have responsibility for seeing to their welfare. These are benefits that everyone concerned should know about.
However, even if a cure for this agonizing disease should be discovered someday, what Elbert Cole did, and Virginia too, will not lose its relevance. Theirs will remain a model of a loving relationship that met the challenge of crisis and remained strong till the end. As he moves through his eighties, Elbert has good reason to look back on Virgina’s last years and to feel blessed that they were able to persevere through such hard times and even to grow in love.
Richard Griffin