A middle-aged friend (whom I will call Ann) tells of having to go home in the middle of the work day in order to check on her father. He recently came to live with her and Ann has assumed responsibility for his care. Now aged 91 and coping with Alzheimer’s disease in its early stage, he goes to an adult day health center most days, an arrangement that makes it possible for his daughter to carry on her professional work. But Ann still must leave work occasionally to make sure that he is all right.

Situations like this one have become commonplace in American families all over the country. Millions of adult daughters and sons, as well as other relatives and friends, find themselves responsible for the care of older people connected to them by blood and affection. This kind of elder care has become a rite of passage for most people as longevity has increased.

When asked what they feel as caregivers, many people spontaneously reply with the single word “stress.” Eldercare has acquired a reputation for thrusting its family providers into a highly stressful situation. Many who are living through it speak eloquently of the pressures that they feel.

For those who must balance workplace responsibilities with care of elders, the stress can be especially difficult. So, too, is the position of those who must at the same time care for children. These members of the so-called “sandwich generation” must manage their time so as to provide for both their elders and their kids.

Usually it is women that take the lead in providing elder care. Daughters, daughters-in-law, and other female family members or friends more often than not assume the main burden of caregiving. Some men fortunately emerge as exceptions to this generalization, especially the spouses of ailing wives, and take charge of their elder’s care.

Eldercare, then, is widely known to be demanding and often draining of available energy. Oftentimes, people feel pushed to the brink and wonder if they can continue bearing so much responsibility. The physical and psychic demands thrust upon them can seem unfair and insupportable.

However, many caregivers have discovered a different approach that can make a crucial difference. They have found that bringing spirituality to the task of caring for the needs of others can transform the experience into something humanly precious. The burdens remain but they become occasions of grace, pushing people toward a new level of being human.

In her perceptive book “Another Country: Navigating the Emotional Terrain of Our Elders,” Mary Pipher writes eloquently about taking care of parents. In one passage she summarizes the experience thus: “Parents aging can be both a horrible and a wonderful experience. It can be the most growth-promoting time in the history of the family. Many people say, ‘I know this sounds strange, but that last year was the best year of my parents’ lives. I was my best. They were their best. Our relationships were the closest and strongest ever.’”

Mary Pipher knows what she is talking about, having gone through it herself. She does not try to sugarcoat the ordeal but discovers its deeper meaning. After a time, she came to recognize that the new relationship between parents and adult children can, contrary to expectation, become the source of blessing for both sides.

Of course, it takes some spiritual discipline in addition to wisdom. Caregivers must be patient enough to listen carefully to their elders as the latter give expression to the frustrations they will inevitably feel in times of physical and sometimes mental decline. Elders, for their part, will help if they can find spiritual motivation for accepting, gracefully if possible, their own need to be helped.

The spirituality of caregiving and care receiving can make a decisive difference in an experience that so often bears a bad name. In other passages in her book Mary Pipher presents it as the best opportunity that middle-aged caregivers will ever have for growth as human beings. “How we deal with parents,” she writes, “will influence the way we grow and develop in our life stages. This time is a developmental stage for us as well as for them. Our actions will determine our future lives.”

When eldercare is seen in these positive terms, one can learn how to make of it a vital human experience.

Richard Griffin